| | what I experienced tonight .
Yeah man....AWESOME..AMAZING...TRULY; SPIRITUAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, SEXUAL, eeeeeeeverything all wrapped in one. I wish I could have had someone video tape me and somehow type my thoughts as they came through my head.
I came home from work (an actually productive one despite me being on the verge of quitting VERY recently..but that's another story). Anyway came home, checked email and my daily routine sites lol then decided I wanted to RELAX which to me = (-.-)y-., o O + a hot bath with moisturizing bath beads...yeah I'm gully like that haha (knowin damn well it ain't THAT serious lol ). Anyway so I put some music on a 90s old school remixtape and was jammin a bit, got in the bath and was just relaxin...stretching (I want to become more flexible..good for your joints n 'at) I reaaaaaly stretched my neck by doing slow neck rolls and I made sure to really rotate it and hit every angle/degree. I have never stretched my neck like that and it felt GOOD.
After that, it seems like the stress/tension that was in my neck moved into my shoulder and made it hurt. I tried stretching that out but it wouldn't work so I gave up. Now, in all this stretchin, I wasn't really paying attention to the music...but for some reason a song came on...Method Man - Ice cream somethin...I never listened to it but BRAY used to always say this verse from it so when I hear it, I immediately think of Bray.
At first I was like, "ahhhh I gotta turn this off cuz I don't like it at all" but then it really made me feel fuzzy thinkin about Bray spittin that verse so I HAD to listen to it. I got back in the bath and relaxed and just thought about him tryin to sound like a thugged out rapper (sorry Bray it's true! lol :oP ) and just cheesed thinkin about that memory. After that it was like this heaviness came over me and I just started to cry thinking about Bray and I got kinda caught up and felt this kinda pressure in the left side of my chest and I just KNEW that Bray was in my heart..I mean I knew he was when he passed but this was the first time since then that I REALLY felt him..like "I'm still here with u Shakey (that was my nickname)." <deep breath> And like RIGHT AFTER THAT I just had a FLOOOOOOOD of memories about Bray. It was soo crazy but so good and just something I never felt. I mean from back to the first day I met him, sooooooo many things that happened in between...places we'd been, things we'd done, fights, holidays, his lil cousins, him dancin, clubs, TIGGAs (that's an inside joke), all the apartments I had, his mom's house, aunt's house....JUST SOOOOOOO MANY MEMORIES that it felt so SURREAL to be there in the bath having them all overcome me.
I don't want to make it sound like it was a release in the sense of letting Bray go from my heart. In my heart, I feel like it was something I needed to put me in check with what a GOOD LIFE I've had so far. Although I may feel lonely at times now, I am lucky to have had such an experience as I did with Bray...GOOD AND BAD. But whatever, that boy  LOVED ME sooooo much and I just think of all the little things he would do just to try to get me to smile and I would be all grumpy and selfish and push him away when he tried to smother me with his love.
BUT, the crazy thing is that it wasn't just the love that he showed me but EVERYONE AROUND HIM. I swear he is the most SELFLESS (polar opposite of selfish)person I know. He showed his love to everyone and would really do anything he could to help people out and PEOPLE KNEW IT...they could feel it with Bray.
To have had a person like that in your life is just beautiful. I DO and will ALWAYS miss Bray but I have the love he gave me deep in my heart and it just gives me a standard for which my future husband will have to supersede (I hope I used that word correctly, I mean to do significantly better..higher, out-do, exceed maybe lol).
Wow so now my stomach is roaring like an African Lion but I just had to document this experience...and share it all with you. I KNOW it's a VERY PERSONAL...probably the most personal thing I've ever blogged about, but it's such a BLESSING, that I feel obligated to share my joy with you all.
My sincerest apologies if I bored you shitless with my ramblings but if you KNOW me (maybe if you don't), then you KNOW how SOMETHING had to happen to me for me to have the courage to share such an intimate experience with others.
Life's just CRAZY like that. 
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| | Posted 1/28/2009 8:31 PM - 36 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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REST IN PEACE MY ANGEL...I LOVE YOU.
